Most people who are affected by abusive and violent behaviour turn first to family and friends for support. What you say or do therefore can be vitally important. Your support and encouragement can assist them to feel supported and more able to make decisions.
What can I do?
The most important thing you can do is to listen without judging, believe what they’re saying, if possible be available as a support, and help them find ways to become and feel safer.
Check how the person is feeling and where they are at in their thinking about what to do. Help them explore their choices such as calling DVCS, developing a safety plan or leaving the situation. Avoid saying negative things about the person who is using abusive and violent behaviour. Many people still feel love and commitment to the relationship and may feel protective of the person using violence.
In thinking about the sort of help you may be able to give, it is important to know that your support may be required over a long period of time. It is important to “stick with” the person but at the same time, be clear about your limits.
Think carefully before “having a word” with the person using violence. Think about the possible angry reaction directed at either you or the person subjected to abusive and violent behaviours that may follow from your good intention. Work out a safety plan before making an approach. Keep clear in your mind and your conversations that abusive and violent behaviour is unacceptable and there is no excuse for it.
You can also call our 24/7 crisis telephone line: 02 6280 0900 anytime for advice and assistance.
How do I know if its Domestic Violence?
Your friend or family member may:
- seem afraid of their partner or is always anxious to please their partner
- stop seeing friends and family
- have become anxious, depressed, withdrawn or have lost their confidence
- say their partner is jealous, possessive or has a bad temper
- have bruises, sprains or cuts on their body
- says their partner continually phones or texts when they are not together
- be reluctant to leave their children with her partner
- say their partner pressures or forces them to do sexual things
- say their partner controls their money
- be harassed or followed after they have left the relationship.
What should I say?
Your response is very important and can make a real difference. If someone feels supported by the people around them, they are more likely to explore their options.
If you are approaching your friend or family member to talk about domestic violence, wait until they are alone and it is safe to speak. Say something like “I’ve noticed you seem really unhappy lately and I’m worried about you. Are you ok?” Don’t push them into talking if they are uncomfortable, but let them know that you’re there if they need to talk.
Some important things to remember
- Let them know you believe them by telling them outright, or by saying things like “I’m so sorry” or “I’m glad that you told me”.
- Let them know that it is not their fault by telling them outright, or by saying things like “No one deserves to be treated like this” or “It’s a crime”.
- Let them know you are there for them by telling them something like “I’ll do what I can to help you”.
- Look after yourself. Supporting a friend or relative who is being abused can be frustrating, frightening and stressful. You may wish to speak to someone about it.
To access our services call our 24/7 crisis telephone line 02 6280 0900. If it isn’t urgent another contact option is to email firstname.lastname@example.org; this email is only monitored during business hours. You are welcome to call us reverse charges. If you live outside the ACT please call 1800RESPECT.
We do not make any sound recordings of our conversations. You do not need to give us your name, but if you do we make notes that we spoke to you. If you are unsure, please let us know at the start of the call and we can tell you about our confidentiality policy.